To push or not to push... That is the question...
I know what you’re thinking… Do it. Just do it. Just fucking do it already. Press the button. The blue “connect” button.
Why would you go through all this to hesitate?... Are you scared?
Truth, yes, I am. But that’s not the ONLY reason.
There’s also another button. Next to the “connect” one. It’s a “message” button.
I’m not sure why I have the option to do either. Must be my settings. While his settings must be open, mine are on private. But the option to reach out is mine. Which leads to the hesitation…
I keep asking myself, how do I send a “message” to someone I am related to who may or may not know of my existence? At the same time, how do I just press “connect” without any explanation of who I am?
What if he has no idea I was born? What if my birth mother moved on and I was never discussed again? Especially to anyone born after me. Which he is.
What if I am a secret that has never been shared within the family? Whether it be a new family, where my birth mother and father have remarried. or within the same family, never discussed again after I was given away. I being only a part of the past. A vault that is never opened.
Was he told of the circumstance? Is he open? Is he hoping to find me? Is my “message” going to be exciting? Refreshing? Or will it be like a digital bomb that will blow up a family’s inner world? Uncovering a truth that was buried long ago? The truth I was born, now shared. A protected secret now unkept. A secret about a birth, my birth, his relative, that at the click of the “message” button could explain and admit who I am and I am here.
Or do you just press “connect”?
Leaving no message.
In the hopes we get to. Leaving only the same information I was given for his knowledge. His chance to uncover at the same rate I did. Information of our connection. Allowing him to connect the dots. Giving him time to ask who he needs to. Discovering for himself if he’s open to. Respecting and giving him the time that I, myself, needed.
Do I tell him my truth or do I press connect and allow him to discover his? Give him the time to marinate in the possibilities the way I had?
Or do I explain myself… in my admittance... Letting him know there is no pressure, but I would love to have the opportunity to meet someone I am related to other than my son? Letting him know I'm not looking for an immediate answer or connection. Explaining only when and if he is ready... I am open. I am here. I was born.
I can sit and contemplate forever. I can ask question after question. I can imagine a thousand scenarios… I can think of reason after reason why to press or why not to press.
The truth is, I have waited until a time in my life I was ready and willing to find the truth no matter what the outcome. That is the only reality I can know for the time being. That is the only way I can stay true to who I am and what I am becoming.
Because the truth is, I am here. In this one and only life I have. I don’t want to deny my existence for a second longer. I have to be true to who and what I am. I have to be ok with others dealing with that existence in the way they must as well. But I have to keep moving forward. Recognizing this is important to me. Honoring my existence. I am doing only what I can. Recognizing the rest is out of my control.
So, I press...
I’ll wait… we’ll see… and I’ll keep you posted…