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When Things Fall Apart...

"To feel is to heal" in the wise words of Ann Randolph.


I am processing the loss of a lot of things right now. I am trudging through the heavy sludge of what is no longer.


All the times when love didn't seem to be enough.


The evaporation of my adoptive family, the introduction of my birth family, seeing all the years that were lost, the friendships that haven't lasted, the business deals that went south, the relationships that have ended.


It gets messy.


And as promised... I'm publishing the mess. Owning it. Being honest, raw and vulnerable about all the feels.

That being the point of this journey. Finding myself. Shedding what isn't. Exposing what is.


The good, the bad... and unfortunately, especially the ugly.


But I'm finding the ugly isn't always that ugly... or at least, it doesn't have to be ugly for that long.


Yes, it hurts. Deeply. But only because of how much I cared. How tender I was able to be. How open and unguarded some moments were. There is a beauty in that. It is the loss of that beauty that is so painful.


Meaning, the ugly really is just a mask covering a beauty of what was. A beauty that lies underneath the disguise. A beauty that can only be reached again by returning to that openness. First feeling what is uncomfortable. Admitting the painful truth. The things I don't want to. What might not be pleasant or appeasing to the eye.


But I made a promise to do so. I made a vow to myself.


I have learned I can't ignore the loss. It doesn't go away without acknowledgement. The pain comes out in different ways, in different arenas. In order to let it go, I first have to recognize it. I have to feel it. I have to hold it, and then release it. To make space for what is coming. What is next. What is meant to be.


I can only feel loss of something I once had. That is the painful truth. I loved it. I'll miss it. It hurts. But I also see when things fall apart, it is because they need to be rebuilt. I may not know how at first, but I also know I will find a way. A new way.


Sooo, I'm figuring my way through the messy sludge.... to understanding, processing and moving forward.


Until I get there... Here's to loving, to losing, to letting go and to keep going...



There is a poem

By William Butler Yeats,

"The Second Coming"

The first two lines state

"All things fall apart

The center cannot hold."

Not forever

I have witnessed the crumble

I have searched for the reason it originally cracked

Where the fissure began

Was it hit by words or an unexpecting blow?

Did it start out too unstable?

Was it too hard, too inflexible?

Unwilling to bend or morph?

Too thin without the needed nourishment?

Too weak without the proper support?

Had it been slowly whittled down?

Becoming sharp in the process

Becoming too painful to touch

Getting cut one too many times

Until I stopped wanting to reach for it

Realizing the slashes will only continue

No matter how I approach to grab it

That line now crossed

Too much said

Too much done

The point of no return

Into the irreversible

No matter intent or motive

It happened

With no way to take back.

I’ve reached that line.

That threshold

I might have been the one who crossed it,

Created it or jumped over

I might have been the one

Who lit it on fire

Who sat back and watched it burn

Dissolve into ash

Unrecognizable

Impossible to put back together

A breathing, living thing

I once loved, caressed and cared for

So deeply

Gone.

Reduced to charred powder

Smearing between my fingertips

When I try to grasp what is left.

Fragile enough for the wind to now carry

To separate

And scatter into different places

Without anyone or anything seeing

The beauty it once was

Without ever having the chance

To become whole

Once again

Was it words?

Actions?

Too many?

Not enough?

Does it matter now that it has blown away?

Is the loss possible to make sense of?

Was it all a dream?

A wish?

A hope? A prayer?

Was it real?

If it dissolved so quickly?

Or a figment of my imagination?

One I can hold onto

In my mind’s eye

In my heart's memory

Remembering how fleeting a reality was

How fragile things become

Once fractured

How permanent it is

Once broken

Recognizing I too have cracked

Somewhere in the process

Holding myself together

In the pain, instead of pushing it away

Sitting with it

Allowing it

So, the crack does not spread deeper

Into my center, my core

Weakening and effecting more

Knowing

"All things fall apart

My center will not hold"

But I can hold it

I can support and nourish

Until the crack mends

Healing into a thicker scar

To show exactly where I tore

Reminding me of how easily things break

Including myself

The scar representing, I can do hard things

I can love deeply to the point I get punctured

No matter what

Knowing the fire can burn

But willing to step back

Into the flames anyway

Because I am marred but still together

With each singe, I am feeling

I am living

I am trusting

I can fall apart

But I can also hold myself together

I can burn

And I can love anyway

With the awareness, all things do fall apart

Including pain

It too can dissolve in the flames

Into a charred powder

From that ash creating a new beginning

Dusting the embers off my wing

Ready to take flight

Once again.



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Annie

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Gość
19 lis 2022

The Phoenix rises again…. Beautiful And so vibrantly alive… 🙏🧡❤️💜

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