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Slowly


A lot has happened in the last few weeks.


I've talked to my biological Aunt, my sister and my brother.


I have messaged my mother.


I am moving slowly.


I'm respecting all the feels... and moving slowly.


It's real life. Its exciting, its messy, but its real. With real struggles, real feelings, real loss and very real love. Yes, there has been pain. There also has been sooo much beauty.


Writing helps with the processing of it all. This writing has become my spirituality. A faith I have become reliant.


I've taken my writing practice into this experience of getting to know my ancestry. My relatives. My DNA...

The stuff every Disney movie is made of. The loss that happens at birth. The love that I have carried with me whether they were there or not. It flows in the blood that rushes through me. My existence due to the choices they have made. Yet, its also been a journey on my own.


I've been processing my process. Noticing what I notice. Listening to what wants to be shared. Honoring what doesn't.


I am on this journey as I'm also writing this book about the life I grew up living. Experiencing real life as it is unfolding at the same time as witnessing, rewriting , memories... Together forming some kind of melody. A song. A rhythm. Allowing the pain to become art along the way.


I am who I am partly because of the experiences I have had, the people I have known. But, I am here because of who my ancestors were. Because of the choices they made. The wishes they carried. The prayers they whispered. The wars they fought. The risks they took.


I have felt them like an army behind me in their absence. I have carried them inside me. I now meet them and hear their stories.


While breathtakingly beautiful... its also a lot of information. A lot of emotion.


And I'm moving slowly...


So, I listen.


And move as slowly as I need to go.


I know the story I want this to be. But I also want to listen to what the story wants to become. I want to give it the space it needs to become that. I want to hear those wishes. Those prayers. Instead of taking the wheel, I am trusting the process, and stepping out of the way. While continually showing up.


I have no idea how this story will end... but I am enjoying each and every discovery along the way. I'm cherishing the relationships that are being built while honoring the history of our lives.


I will move slowly. And I will listen. I will record the words that step forward and wish to be told. I will hopefully hear the words that don't want to be.


But I will honor how slowly I need to go, as long as I keep going... forward. Building. Bond by bond. Word by word.


We'll see what happens... I promise to keep you posted...


In the meantime, here's a poem...


She reads a poem...

I close my eyes

To listen...

A few lines I seem to hear

More loudly than the others.

I allow them to marinate

In my mind


"The next step,

The one I don't want to take,

Listen to that voice,

that voice until it becomes an ear,

Inside to listen..."


I listen....


My next step is to get quiet

To hear what needs to be done.

This writing now a part of me

A spiritual need

A necessary alchemy

That churns inside

For survival

For connection

To my deepest self

My God,

My guides

My being


I need to be quiet

To hear it all

The direction in which to step

The yell or the whisper

The echo or the cry

The step will be tiny

Small

But forward

As I feel the fear

Embrace it

Take is along as my companion

As we cautiously walk forward

Slowly

But we walk

Tiny steps

Gaining the momentum

Forward

As slow as I need to go


But I am on my way

I feel it in my marrow

Hesitantly reaching for you

While feeling the urge

To keep stepping forward

The yearning for that

Initial connection

That I know will last a lifetime

It is where I am from

Where I am going

Who I am

It is how I stay true

To everything that beats inside of me

It is my only way home

And I feel myself

Inching closer and closer

With each tiny step

To the place I have searched for

Worked for

Feared of

Dreamt about

I feel you

As I step forward

In the breeze

Against my face

In the chill on my skin

The excitement in my heart

The eagerness in my blood


I have missed you

Carried you

And now I have found you

With each tiny step

I am on my way home

To who I am

And what I am supposed to be

I listen

I fear

I walk

Forward

Slowly

But surely

On my way home


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