So, I haven't heard anything back from clicking the "connect" button last week that sent an invitation to a direct family member, that I have never met. (Quick recap for those who may have missed a week or two, I am adopted. My records are sealed. I don't know my family names or where they live. There is no way to google or unseal my records. My only choice was to do 23 and me. Through that, I have found a first cousin. Last week was my first attempt to "connect" on the 23 and me web site.)
I purposefully haven't logged into 23 and me this week. I said I wanted to give him time, if he needed it, to marinate on me or my existence. Especially if he didn't know. So, I didn't want to check if he had logged on. I didn't want to hover. I wanted to really give it space. But then, I began to wonder if he ever saw it. If he had even seen my invitation to "connect"?
I met up with Joy yesterday for a walk and lunch. We went to a cute little restaurant in Venice with fricken AMAZING mushroom tacos. (I know what you're thinking, "Ewww. Mushroom?" But no... they are shockingly phenomenal!! Probably even if you don't like mushrooms... But don't want to get carried away with delicious tacos. If you don't know... I love food. =)) Anywho... With her never ending support and rock solid friendship, I felt safe enough to check. I somehow grew the courage to log into 23 and me right there at the table.
Where I saw, he still hasn't logged on. In fact, he hasn't logged on for 6 months. Which could mean many things...
Maybe he changed his email? Maybe he lost interest? Maybe his life got chaotic, as most of ours has or does? Maybe my email went to spam? We have over 1500 very distant relatives in some form or another on our DNA connections. Twice removed, three times removed, etc. Maybe others tried to "connect" and now he's just not interested. Maybe "connection" was never what he was looking for? But then, why not have your settings set to private?
Soooo many questions... All impossible to know.
So, it was now time to discuss the next step... To message, or not to message?
I sent the message... Dun... Dun... Duuuun! (Scared emoji face)
As I grip myself for whatever happens or doesn't happen next, I need to recognize the growth and momentous courage each and every single little step I make in this process is. This is something I have always wanted to do. I have always dreamed about since being a little girl. Literally, some of the first memories I have are fantasizing about where I came from. However, for many reasons, I never had the courage or felt ready to.
But, I am ready now.
Truth is, I'm doing this for me. Because I need to. Regardless of his reaction or lack there of. I am doing this search, I am on this journey, because it is something I always wanted. I am attempting to discover the unknown. I am attempting to put the wonder to rest. While realizing I may never be able to. But, I will always know I tried. I will always know I made the steps to be my own advocate. To deliver my own dreams to myself. No matter how scared I get, my goal is to not leave any stone unturned. The rest.... is out of my hands. Out of my control. And I will accept that. While still honoring myself and my hopes and dreams.
I'm nervous. Scared. Apprehensive. Cautiously optimistic. I'm also proud of having the courage to keep looking. Keep discovering. Keep trudging forward. And keep becoming....
It will all unfold how it is meant to be. Just as it always has.
Sooo, we will see... and I'll keep you posted...