If I Only Knew

If I only knew she was so sick.

If I only knew how serious it was.

If I only knew my immature mind may have been able to grasp it.

If I'd only known the hormones were pumping through my veins at warp speed.

If I'd only known that could have contributed to my bitchiness.

If I'd only known it wasn't all me.

I wasn't as rotten as he said.

If I'd only known how to communicate and speak my feelings

If I only knew to feel was to heal.

I might not of had to numb those emotions.

I wouldn't have been so confused.

If I'd known that grief is real.

Regret is torment.

Sorrow is powerful.

I wouldn't have run from it,

Hid, or carried such a deep shame.

If I only knew it was me keeping everyone distant.

It was me hiding my true self,

my true emotions,

my true worth.

If I only knew I was normal instead of pretending to be.

If I only knew it was the pretending that made me awkward.

If I only knew my feelings had a purpose.

A reason to exist.

If I only knew caring was not a weakness.

Loss, meant I loved, not a pain or a shame.

If I only knew the pain took strength.

Admittance took bravery.

Bonding, a sign of compassion.

If I only knew my thoughts and feelings were empathy,

I might have had some for myself.

If I only knew that things could be different.

Then I might have not struggled as deeply for so long

If I didn't feel helpless in the dark,

Blind, unable to see

If I wasn't consumed by the shadows,

I may not have seen the light shine through the cracks.

The cracks where I was broken.

If I only knew it was those fractures that let the light in.

I may not have known to follow the glow.

To recognize it's beauty.

If I only knew the journey was in the struggle.

The growth was in the pain,

The surrender was in the acceptance.

If I only knew...

I may not have transformed.

I wouldn't have become.

If I only knew,

I might have missed it all.

- Josie "Jo Jo" James

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