I have thought about taking a break from weekly posting. Taking time off to finish my book. I was thinking my second anniversary would be the last post.
Then, I thought about what I wanted this blog to be.
I take a monthly writing class with the wonderful Ann Randolph. I hear her voice over the harmonium. She asks, “What have you waited a long time for?”
Thoughts flood me.
Answer, If I'm honest, I have waited a long time to find out who I am and where I come from.
I have fantasized about seeing a picture of my birth parents, grand parents, siblings, uncles or aunts. Hearing stories, or possibly meeting others I am related to. Shaking their hand, listening to their view, seeing their perspective, understanding the circumstances.
I have pictured different scenarios of how they have lived. On farms, in the country? City? Are they doctors, waitresses, have they succeeded to their standards? Are they happy? Are they depressed? Have they self medicated, succumbed to addiction? Haunted by choices or life that has happened along the way, or are they satisfied and at peace?
What health issues run in my family? What should I look out for? Be conscious of? What can I prevent? What can I know about?
Who do I look like? Where did I get my red hair? Is there a gaggle of us? My green eyes? My pale skin? Who’s personality do I take over? Does weirdness run in the family? Who and what are my tribe members?
I was asked by a 9 year old the other day what the experience of being an orphan was like.
Answer, It’s the only thing I know. I don’t know what it’s like not to be one.
So, for me, it’s my normal. It’s all I know. But it no longer has to be.
I have a 23 and me on my fire place mantle. Its been sitting there, still wrapped in plastic, for years now. The only time it is touched is when I pick it up to rub the dust off. Every time I do, I question when I will open it. When I will be ready to find out about those truths it might hold behind the shrink wrap and unopened cardboard. Will it even still work?
I’ve also been thinking about this blog. Why I started it. Where I want it to go. If this blog is about “becoming”, what do I want to become next?
Answer, Myself. I want to continue becoming me. Whatever that is. Wherever that is from.
There are layers, complexities, truths that still need to be revealed..
My past, the tribe in which I came, is only one of them.
So, am I quitting doing weekly posts?
Answer, No. I’m shifting. My ultimate goal is to share my story and help other kids, teens, adults, that have faced similar situations as me. I want to show them what has happened does not define who you are. Only you, yourself, can do that. For me, right now, I want to learn more about my ancestral roots.
My next journey is going to be journaling about this process. Documenting, step by step, emotion by emotion, navigating how I will do this, what I find out, what I will discover about me, about feelings, about healing.
My birth and adoption records are sealed. The state will not give me any information. I don’t have my birth parents names to google or search for. The social worker handling my case has since retired. All I have is that unopened, dusty box on my mantle that can tell me truths I have wondered about. That might have potential answers to what I have imagined, the different variations of family I might have or pictured through the years.
What I have waited for and wanted to know for such a long time…?
Answer, To find out where I am from.
I will share as I do… not weekly, for now, but often. In the interim, or when there isn’t much to share, I will continue to share my writing, not weekly, for now, but often. Because, it's what I am meant to do. It's how I continue becoming.