I am a thinker. Strategically making moves that will protect me, my home, my wellbeing, my child.
I also am a feeler. Guided by my heart, my body, my present. Refusing to ignore what my heart screams and yearns for.
While the mind tries to tell me I can’t. I shouldn’t. The danger represented in letting go. The threat of the unknown.
Reminding me of the neglect I’ve felt. The lack of care I’ve seen. The selfishness I’ve witnessed.
Then my heart whispers, Yes, which is why you should embrace love while its here. Why you should collapse into it. Allow it to engulf you. Ravish you whole.
My mind will say, Don’t trust it. It’s only fleeting. It will never last. It will only leave… as it always does.
My heart purrs, All the more reason to grab hold while you can. You know all too well the pain of regret. The remorse of following fear instead of admitting your wants. Admitting your love. It may leave… but at least it could happen.
My brain rebuttals, But we have lost everything . We barely made it out. WE got lucky. We were able to rebuild. You now have a child, responsibilities. You cannot live just guided by your heart or your love.
My heart sinks. Then weeps. The heart asks, If we can’t live life led by love, what else is there? What else is the point?
It has taken such immense courage for me to love. My worse fear is being rejected because, as a child, it was all I knew. It was what was familiar. I found situations where it would happen again because it is where I grew most comfortable. In the expected. In a situation, even if painful, I knew how to maneuver through.
My adult life has been led by trying my best to make sure my son never feels that way. That he feels my heart. My heart that for years I was too afraid to show.
While my mind always attempts to take the wheel. To keep us safe.
I have messed up at times. But I try so quickly to apologize when I do. My goal making sure he always knows how deeply I love him.
To the point, people have told me I over compensate. I do too much for him. I try too hard.
For a moment, my mind speaks up questioning, Do I?
But, that is the moment my heart rises again. Quickly telling both that person and my mind to kindly fuck right off.
Reminding my brain, Too much love doesn’t exist... But, as we both know, not enough does.
For a moment, my mind quiets, realizing the heart knows best.