It's been a weird week. I promised to be completely open about this journey. The good, the bad, the scary, the ugly. This week I have felt all the above. ALL the feels.
The excitement of meeting someone I'm related to. The trepidation of the possibility they aren't interested in meeting me. A fantasy I have dreamed about as far back as I can remember coming to fruition. Either living up to all that I hoped or becoming all that I feared.
No more pretending. No more imagining. The truth will now be in the open. Or worse... it won't.
I have felt both love and sadness. I have been nervous and emotional. I have been scared and hopeful. But, through all the ups and downs, I have been present. I have honored all the emotions as truths and validities. Each emotion having a reason. A rightful place. My job to allow them to come. To not ignore or brush under the rug. To not deny or hide. I am committed to the "journey" of it all. Going through it, instead of skipping past. I have noticed all my feelings and I have waited until the moment felt right to press the "connect" button under my first cousin's name.
Now, here we are. An entire week later. I still haven't pressed the "button". Pressing it only a thought. Am I ready? Will I ever be? Don't I deserve to be?
I have reflected on my past a lot this week. The untruths I have believed. The sense of belonging I have lacked. How hard I tried to fit into a mold that was never genetically mine. Raised by a strong woman, my mother, who loved me with every ounce of her soul while surrounded by family who never fully recognized me as part of. I am seeing, for possibly the first time, how much that has effected how I think I fit into other situations. Where I fit in this world. Who I gravitate towards. What I think I deserve.
I have recognized the lies I have told myself. The prison I have put myself in while also seeing the gratitude for experiencing everything I have. The ups and downs that have given me the outlook I now have. How I wouldn't have it, how I wouldn't be who I am without all that I have lived with and through.
This week, I have been timid. Scared. A part of me still wondering if I will still be discarded. A part of me wondering if I would be welcomed with open arms. Trying to be realistic while feeling the impossible weight of being grounded. Until I remembered that one truth... I am what I am because of everything I have been through. The good, the bad, the scary and the ugly.
All, no matter what, being a gift. That gift, as they say, being called the present. The only way out is through.
I let that soak in this morning, as I sit here. Marinating in the moment....as I contemplate this post ... I am also contemplating pressing that button.
I fully admit my nerves, my fears, my hopes and my concerns. I am thankful for where I have been. I am searching for the bravery to welcome whatever comes next. But through it all... I will keep you posted.